Playmobloggin'.

Each year, I request a catalog from Playmobil.  You can get one free through their website.  It's a nifty catalog, all bright colors and pretty pictures.  So I just got my latest catalog a couple of days ago, and ooh.  I'm way too old for this stuff, but I love so much of it.  My inner 12-year-old girl thinks the church (4296) is awesome.  I love it.  And my inner 12-year-old boy still digs the forestry theme.  I think the Forest Lodge (3207) is stlll about the coolest set.  Hmm, maybe this is still the inner 12-year-old girl talking.  Whatever.  These are great sets.  And ooh!  #4489!  The big whale!  I love the big whale.  And OH!  The Cargo Ship!  #4472. I love that one, too!

Okay.  I'll stop.  For now.

All-stars, clearly.

Tonight kicks off my 257th year of managing a fantasy baseball team, and I just happened to have BOTH of the starting pitchers for the opening game of the 2010 season, CC Sabathia AND Josh Beckett.  I think CC's a good guy, but hate the Yankees with the white hot intensity of a million suns.  And I can't stand Josh Beckett.  But they're both good pitchers, so I thought, hey, I'll start them both tonight!  I should get one win, anyway!  Right?  Well.  No.  Tonight...

Sabathia: 5.1 innings, 6 hits, 5 runs, 2 walks, 4 strikeouts, a 1.5 WHIP and an ERA of 8.44.
Beckett: 4.2 innings, 8 hits, 5 runs, 3 walks, 1 strikeout, 2.36 WHIP, 9.64 ERA, and TWO HOME RUNS ALLOWED.

That's pathetic, you guys.  Not as pathetic as Chan Ho Park's effort (I hope you keep him ALL year, Yankees!), but pathetic.  ONE strikeout, Beckett?  Sheesh.  Lame.

So, congrats to my opponent this week.  Two of my best pitchers, delivering a pee wee league effort.  Stupid Yankees/Red Sox rivalry.

I feel like I'm falling for you.

(Listening to Jem, hence the title.)

WELL.

I haven't done this in a while.  Haven't felt so up to it.  So, a big apology to all my loyal reader (that is, me).  Apologizing to myself.  It's an important part of mental health.  I'd also like to give a big shout-out to ... well, myself again.  Since I'm still the only one reading this blog, and since, even if someone else WERE reading, anyone else would have given up by the time they reached this sentence.  So hello, me!  You are SO handsome!  And why are you wearing a pinky ring?!

No, I'm not wearing any rings.  Aside from my wedding ring.  I love you, Marta.

No, okay, still not married.

So what's new since the last time I wrote a post that wasn't morbidly depressing and sad?  Hmm.  Well, I still have a crush on Alison Brie.  So that's not new.  But she's so awesome.  And impossibly pretty.  Seriously, how is it even possible that she's so pretty?

Right, what's new.

Um ... I bought the new album by She & Him!  WHICH I LOVE.  I've gotten totally hooked on Life Unexpected on The CW.  YOU MUST RENEW IT, CW.  The weather has gotten very, very warm.  TOO WARM.  it's freaking April 1, and it was in the upper 80's today.  NOT GOOD.  I'm no fan of summer, anyway.  So don't come EARLY!  Ugh.  I bought a Playstation 3!  Awesomeness.  I love you, blu-ray.  Love you, being able to play games without worrying about my computer's lack of ... robustness.  I think the last console game system I had (aside from the Wii my family got at Christmastime; I'm talking a system I myself owned) was a Super Nintendo.  Wow.

Let's see.  What else?  I dunno.

There's a huge San Jose city limits road sign on eBay that I'd like for some odd reason, but it's WAY too big to do anything with, and I'm gonna exercise self-restraint here.  I loooooooove road signs, though.  OMG, LOVE.

Oh!  I saw How To Train Your Dragon today!  AND I LOVED IT.  The main dragon, Toothless the Night Fury, dude.  One of my favorite animated characters ever, ever, ever.  He's brilliant.  I love how the dragons seem to share mannerisms with dogs.  And the people looked just perfect.  I love Viking stuff.  Such a great movie.  I want it.  ON BLU-RAY.  Oh yes, it will be mine.

Okay.  In any event, I'll start posting more now.  No April Fool's.  No.  I will.  Time to get back on the blog horse.  Yeeeee-haw.

This feeling won't go...

I keep trying, but I'm finding it very, very hard to see a point right now. To anything. I can't remember ever having so much trouble just looking forward to something, anything. It's kinda troubling, I must say.

This Killers song is something special, though.

Moon River.

I think this page is becoming my cheap alternative to therapy.  And ...

Okay.  Just a second.

Whew.  I'm choking back tears again.  Ugh.  Lauren wouldn't want that!  And yeah, I need to talk about her again.  I remember a few months ago, I said I needed to come here at some point and talk about my very awesome niece.  I just never expected to be doing it like this.  It's not fair.

I've just been thinking a LOT about Lauren tonight.  I've been looking at pictures, reading what some of her friends have been saying about her.  I went back and read a letter I wrote to her about a year and a half ago.  And I just read something I wrote to her two months ago.  That last one kills me, because that was where I just wanted to write and say to her, you know, that if she EVER wanted to talk to someone she didn't see every single day, if she ever needed to just talk to someone about stuff, I would be more than happy to be that someone.  I knew she had been having some problems, and I knew she had been fighting stuff, and I was so worried about her.  I know I said it before, but this is someone who just meant the world to me.  I hated the thought of her being anything less than 100% happy.  I didn't know how to help, you know?  But I wanted to tell her that I was there for her if she ever wanted that.  And I didn't say it.  I was worried about looking like I was favoring one niece over the other niece and nephew.  Which seems so dumb now.  I was worried about her!  And now I'm crying.  A lot.  Phew.

I really was worried.  This girl was just the best.  Ever.  I'll never feel quite like that about anyone again, I know.  She was unique.  I really think I got her.  I loved, loved, loved being around her.  I even sorta think I understand what she may have been feeling at the end.  At least a little.  I hope I understand at least a bit.  I just wish I could go back two weeks and call her on the phone.  She would have been shocked, I know.  We didn't talk often.  It still hurts me to think that I didn't tell her how great I thought she was.  I was always so worried about sounding weird.  Or again, looking like I was playing favorites.  So dumb.  I feel so many regrets now.

I'd shorten my life if I could have extended hers.  She was capable of so much good.  Way more than I ever will be.  I know she would have helped so, so many people in her lifetime.  This is SUCH a loss.  For so many people, in so many ways.  I think about Lauren every second of the day now.  I watch a basketball game, and I think, "she shouldn't be missing this!"  I was watching the Oscars with the family the other night, thinking about how much she would have loved it.  I find a penny on the ground now, I think of her.  Ice cream makes me think of her.  Everything makes me think of her.

I just don't know what to do now.  Part of me ... no, I won't say what I just thought.  That's no good.  But it's hard.  Really, really.  This is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.  There's hardly even a runner-up for that title.  It feels so personal, this loss.  I feel like part of me is just gone now.  A really good part.  I feel mad at Lauren sometimes, but not really.  I just want her back.  I want to be able to get in the car tomorrow, drive all day, and just go give her a big, big, big hug.  I just want to take her out for french fries and talk.

If anyone ever invents a time machine, my first stop will be about two weeks ago today.  I'll go back and give her that hug, and tell her some things.  Just try to get her to hold on a while.  She had a very loyal friend here, and I don't even know if she really knew that.  That really is what hurts most.

This is not a place I want to be.

When 9 becomes 8.

I think iTunes is trying to choke me up tonight.

Not hard to do these days.

I feel like I'm a different person than I was eight days ago.  I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing yet.  It's probably both.  But something is different.  The dull, lingering ache may never quite go away.  And now it's starting to rain for the first time in quite a while.  Perfect.  I'd rather you stay away for now, rain.

I need a different life somehow.  Wouldn't be so bad to just disappear for a while.

Big.  Gaping.  Hole.

Well, that's a nice surprise.

I got an extended license sale yesterday?  Whoa!  First time ever.  I want more, please!

I wish you knew.

Oh, Lauren. I miss you so, so, so much. I love you more than you ever could have known. I feel like the world's biggest jerk for not seizing every opportunity to spend time with you while you were growing up. You were one of my very favorite people from the day you were born. You're my June birthday buddy! I always kinda felt like you and I had a connection somehow. Something I didn't share with anyone else. I know we never spent enough time together, but I always thought you were something special. I loved being around you. I loved it from the very start. I remember being with you when you were a little kid, wandering aroumd the airport with you. I remember Christmases with you. Your goofy presents to me were just the happiest things ever. I still have a plastic fairy wand and toy hair clips thanks to you! I loved your laugh. So much. Best laugh ever. I loved hearing you talk. I just loved you. I do love you. I always, always will. It's not nice to name favorite family members, but you were always mine. There's a big, gaping, ugly hole in me now, and it hurts more than I could ever say. I feel so empty. I wish I knew what happened. I would have done ANYTHING for you. I wish I could have talked to you more. I always wanted to, but I never knew how. I never told you that. I'll regret the fact that I didn't tell you what you meant to me for the rest of my life. I never even knew if you wanted me to be around for you like that. But today, when your boyfriend said, "she talked about you a lot," well, I imagine you heard my heart break from wherever you are now. I just about fell apart. I've hugged so many people today. I just wish I could hug you, too. I don't know, maybe I will again one day. I hope so. But right now, you're not here. And it hurts like hell. How can this even be real? I keep hoping I'll wake up. It's a nightmare. You were ... Lauren! Lauren. I never thought you'd be gone. Never, ever. I was supposed to go first, years and years from now. I sorta wish I had gone first, and that I had those decades I assumed I'd have to get to know you better. Of all the people in the world, why you? I feel so sick. Just nauseated. Oh, Lauren. I wish I could tell you what you mean to me. I hope you can see this message somehow. Because if you're gone, the world isn't such a great place to be, and a lot of things seem pretty pointless now. I can't believe how much I miss you. If only you knew. I wish you knew.

I'll always, always, always love you. Always.

Ummmm...

Maybe it's just me, but this has to be one of the most random Olympic closing ceremonies I have ever, ever seen. And not necessarily in a good way. Wow. But that's okay. I still love you, Canada.

Still. Wow. Raaaandom. And to think Nickelback is still to come!

Wait. Did $&@/$@! NBC just cut away so they can show THE MARRIAGE REF? WHAT? This is ... incomprehensible. I'm stunned. Awful! Ugh, NBC is the absolute worst. I hope you lose a billion dollars on Leno and fold, you jokers. Sheesh. Unforgiveable.

TOO MANY (and not enough) OPTIONS.

Depressing:

The idea that maybe, just maybe, your best option as you work toward swapping your Canon camera gear for Nikon stuff would be to ... and this makes no sense, I know ... sell the Canon camera body and upgrade to the next-newest version ... of the Canon camera body, yes ... so you can keep your awesome, huge, image-stabilized telephoto lens.

Why might this be the best option?  Well.

Nikon makes many, many, many lenses that are awesome, awesome, awesome.  The problem is, I want a lens in a certain price range that goes out to at least 300mm, is stabilized, and is built like the freakin' Bismarck.  Nikon makes such lenses, if I have $2000+ to spend.  But in my price range (which is not exactly insubstantial when I'm talking about swapping my most expensive lens to pay for this), I have just a couple of options, and I fear neither are as good as what I have + a new body.  My options seem to be:

- I could get the Nikon 80-400mm beast, which is maybe my best Nikon option.  It's huge, but so is my Canon.  It zooms over a VERY nice range, which my Canon does not.  It's longer than my Canon.  It IS stabilized.  But ... I believe the image quality is not quite as good as my Canon 300mm, and it is not built as well.  It focuses WAY slower.

- I could go for one of Nikon's awesome 80-200mm f/2.8 zooms, and maybe pair it with a teleconverter to get the extra length.  Advantages of this are, the 80-200 range is useful, these are pro-quality lenses, I can afford them, and ooh, f/2.8.  But ... 200mm isn't long enough, and I don't think 400mm with a TC at f/5.6 would be as good as the 80-400mm.  Plus, NO stabilization.  And at 200+mm, that seems like a deal breaker.  Stabilization is pretty invaluable at that range.

- I could do the Nikon 70-300mm VR lens, which Ken Rockwell loves.  This one is less expensive.  It has a very nice range.  It is stabilized.  It seems to be acceptably sharp, but obviously it couldn't compete with my Canon prime.  It's also built like the cheaper lens it is: not BAD, but not the Bismarck.  I have the Bismarck now, and can I give that build quality up?  I don't know.  That's hard.

There's also an older 300mm f/4 Nikon I could do, but no stabilization isn't ideal.  Plus, I'm not fond of the way it looks (dumb, but yeah).

So I don't know what to do.  I wonder if the 70-300 is enough.  Spend my leftover money on other cool lenses.  Or upgrade my old 30D to a 40D for not THAT much more money, and just keep everything I have.  Find a way to upgrade my super cheap 55-200mm Nikon to the 70-300mm, be content with that setup for now, AND keep my Canon stuff.  Sell my point & shoot?

Argh.  And I thought I had this all figured out.